Plans for Earth: Gun Control
As the NRA and the resistors in the various militia have figured out, the New World Order is interested almost exclusively in taking guns away
from law abiding citizens. Naturally, if there are fewer guns, there will be more shootings. And we want as many shootings as possible. Life’s just more fun that way.
How To Take Over the World in Four Easy Steps
With all of the gun-toting, freedom-fighting, patriotic Americans around with their concealed weapons and their NRA mudflaps, we can’t do everything at once
. We have to move slowly but surely toward our goal. Now, at last, we can reveal our four-step plan to taking over the United States, and then the world!
Step 1: Make It Possible to Capture Criminals
The first step in our plan for implementing the total removal of all guns from America—thereby increasing the number of shootings—is to force people who
own guns to register them. This will make it easier for us to find them and take all their guns away before we round them up for the concentration camps. Do
you think the police really want this information so they can trace weapons and find out who committed a drive-by shooting? Naturally, this is not the case. The
police aren’t really interested in solving crimes at all; they’re just around so we can have an excuse to register guns. Remember: there are really no “good cops.”
Step 2: Make Guns Safer
The second step of our plan is to force draconian measures on gun owners and manufacturers. For instance, we are going to force manufacturers to put trigger
locks on all the weapons they sell. The outrageous cost of these devices—a really expensive lock may cost 73 cents—should force many gun manufacturers out
of business and prevent honest citizens from buying these innocent products. Sure, Joe Citizen may be able to scrape up $100 for a gun, but $100.73? That
will be too much for the average gun buyer.
Another draconian measure we plan to implement is the use of “smart guns” by police. These are weapons that will not fire unless held by their owner. There
are a number of strategies for achieving this, including electronic sensors that can identify the fingerprints of the person holding the gun and simple
combination locks that must be reset each time the weapon is drawn. Naturally, such measures would lead to more police being shot by their own weapons
since criminals can easily replicate an officer’s fingerprints and read his mind to know the combination on his gun. But that’s okay by us.
Step 3: Limit Firepower
After we get the smart guns, we will start limiting the kinds of guns people can use for hunting. We understand that you may be a very bad shot, and that you
may need a weapon capable of firing 300 rounds a minute to hit a deer the size of a small automobile, but that doesn’t matter to us. All we really care about is
making sure you are less armed than the deer, since the deer are also working for us. (We should probably mention that once we take over, the deer will put
on blue helmets and help us round up all resistors so that they can be put into the concentration camps.)
Step 4: Pry the Guns from Your Cold, Dead Hands
Then, of course, will come the confiscation of all guns when we burst into your homes and take away all your berettas, your rifles, your uzis, your BB guns, your
paintball shooters, your cap guns, your nail guns, your staplers, your firstborn, and your wife’s virginity. This will culminate in the grand invasion, wherein Chinese, Russian, and German troops from the New World Order will begin the round up.
Our plan is all ready to fall into place. All we have to do is wait for Charlton Heston and the NRA to let down their guard for a moment and we will invade the
United States. Yes, if they go so much as an hour without printing evidence of our jackbooted thugs just waiting to kick in the doors of non-NRA contributors,
we will pounce like giant socialist Satan-worshipping space alien cats. Then we will see a brighter day with fewer guns and more violence due to drive-by
knifings, indiscriminate bombings, and fatal attacks with toothbrushes. We can hardly wait.
|
.....
|